Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
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watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She even gives head with a lisp.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
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the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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