the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
