Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
