Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Congratulations! We have a period
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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