So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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