I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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