So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
