I wish I could teleport
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
