Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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