she woke up with a sticky ear
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
