Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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