I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I pour the whiskey from now on
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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