Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
