i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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