Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
