I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
