Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
