he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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