Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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