insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
