Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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