I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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