i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
