Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
