Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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