"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
