I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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