There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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