I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
