i need an iv and a liver transplant
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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