The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
