Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
