I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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