I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
