He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
These tits shall not be calmed
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
