you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
