Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
