with your own penis?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
