Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my sisters under your porch take her home
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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