Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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