im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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