lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
