i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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