U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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