smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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