Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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