Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
