you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
