My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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