swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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