At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
