This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
