I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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