turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes