Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have aggressive nipples.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
