Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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