I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
