am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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