Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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