The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
